Held Light, Held Close – Chapter 6: What Lingered After Sugar

The cake was gone by morning.

There weren’t even crumbs left. A faint sweetness lingered near the back table. It faded under the smell of coffee, cables, and the metallic tang of warmed equipment. Celeste arrived early enough to notice it disappear. The scent blended with the room’s usual smells. Soon, it was gone.

She opened the windows an inch.

Cold air came in, clean and sharp, moving through the room. The city seemed to breathe with her. Below, a truck idled. Then it drove away. The window rattled once, then was still.

She set out mugs. Counted them. Recounted them. She set out one extra mug. Paused. Put it back in the cabinet. She turned the handle in, matching the others. Next, she turned on the kettle and waited, without hurrying.

She left her coat on the back of the chair and put her bag under the desk. She smoothed the arrival sheet with her hand and marked the time with a neat stroke.

Paul came in loudly.

The door swung open—loud. He threw his jacket at a chair that wasn’t his. Missed. Left it hanging halfway to the floor.

“Morning, Saint Baker,” he said, already grinning. “No miracles today?”

She kept her eyes on the page. Marked a name. Drew a line through another.

“Shame. Yesterday had a mood—like a crypt. Candles, guilt.”

Nao laughed quietly, a quick, bright sound edged with nerves. The laugh faded when Paul kept going, leaving a silence that pressed between them.

“Maybe tomorrow you can bring wafers,” Paul went on. “We can confess between takes.”

Celeste walked over and fixed a mic stand that was leaning a little too much. The metal made a soft sound as she adjusted it. She tested it twice. It stayed in place.

Paul followed her movement with his voice. “You know what I like? You never clap back. It’s like talking to a wall. A judgmental wall.”

She stopped at the whiteboard, erased a name, and wrote another below it. The order changed. No one said anything. Leo looked up. Adjusted his tuning. Stayed quiet. Brett nodded, looking pleased.

“Goth Nun! Ever do anything but church or chores?”

She capped the marker. The click was precise.

“Yes,” she said.

Paul smiled, delighted. “Really? When?”

She pointed to the clock. “Now.”

Brett cleared his throat. “Paul.”

Paul raised a hand. “I’m inspired.”

Rehearsal began. Stopped. Began again.

Paul stopped in the middle of a line and blamed the monitors. He stopped again and blamed the room. He shook his head, laughed, and ran a hand through his hair as if the answer might come to him.

Every time Celeste moved, he made a comment. Small and constant. Always there but never loud enough to be real noise.

“Careful with that cord.”

“Write it down, Goth Nun.”

“Put it on the calendar. Make it holy.”

She kept moving.

She handed out water without being asked. She moved a break by five minutes, stopping an argument before it started. When Paul’s pacing quickened, she stepped between him and the door, not blocking him but altering his path so he slowed without realizing it.

Nao leaned toward Leo at one point. “Is it just me,” he murmured, “or is she doing wizard math?”

Leo smiled without looking up. “Don’t say it out loud.”

At lunch, separate from rehearsal, Celeste ate standing.

She ate half a sandwich, folded neatly. She took careful bites so nothing dropped. One hand stayed free to answer emails between bites. The other held the paper steady.

Paul watched.

“Ascetic too,” he said. “Impressive range.”

She finished eating, threw away the paper, washed her hands, and dried them carefully.

Her phone vibrated once in her bag.

She didn’t reach for it.

Paul noticed anyway.

“Don’t stop on my account. Secret pen pal waiting?”

The word slipped in casually, like an accident.

Her shoulders tensed for a moment, and for an instant her jaw tightened, but then she let out a slow breath and relaxed. She kept looking at the sink, fingers pressing harder against the countertop.

“I’m working,” she said.

“Yeah,” he replied. “You always are.”

The afternoon dragged. Time slowed. The room felt heavier, with sound pressing against the walls.

The room felt heavier, with sound pressing against the walls. Celeste shortened the last block, ended early, and moved a call up to save everyone an extra hour of tension. Mark looked at the board, nodded, and said nothing.

As people packed up, cases closing and straps tightening, Paul lingered.

He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, watching her lock the supply cabinet.

“Some hide in silence because they’ve got something to hide.”

She looked him in the eye, just long enough to be clear, her jaw set and knuckles white on the keys, but not long enough to invite more.

“I don’t,” she said.

He laughed, sharp. “Sure.”

Once rehearsal ended and outside, the air was colder than the day before, tightening around her shoulders. She walked the long way home, keeping her steps steady and counting her breaths, each inhale sharp in the cold. The pressure behind her eyes felt stronger now, like a wave threatening to crest, but she was used to sinking beneath it. She stopped on the bridge, resting her trembling hands on the rail, watching the city move below her, her heart thudding loud against the hush of evening traffic.

Later, at home, she set her bag down. Took off her coat. Sat at the table before turning on any lights.

Only then did she open her phone.

I hope yesterday was gentle.

Even when it isn’t received, offering still counts.

Some things are faithful simply because they are done.

She read it once. She didn’t reply, then set the phone face down.

In the dark, the day slowly let go, little by little.

Tomorrow was already waiting.

Held Light, Held Close – Chapter 5: The Slice That Stayed

She baked before dawn.

The kitchen was so quiet she could feel her own breath. Even the oven sounded alive, the soft metal shifting making her both comforted and achingly alone. Outside, the city slumbered on. No sirens or horns, just that distant rush—huge and indifferent, making her feel small but peaceful.

Butter softened on the counter, pale and patient. She pressed her finger into it to check, then pulled back. She added sugar, mixing it in with a wooden spoon she’d had for years. The bowl rocked gently with each stir. She cracked the eggs one at a time, tapping them and checking the shells before tossing them. She took her time and didn’t waste anything.

The batter thickened just as it should. She stopped for a moment to listen, then poured it into the pan and smoothed the top with her spoon. The oven took it in quietly.

While the cake baked, she wiped the counter with hands that needed something to do. Twice—first to tidy, then to soothe her nerves. She washed the bowl with deliberate care, letting the habit steady her. She didn’t sit down. She leaned against the counter, arms folded, eyes heavy with relief and anticipation, holding the warmth like a shield against everything waiting outside.

The cake rose evenly. A small split formed down the center, hinting at the softness inside.

She didn’t frost it.

Once it cooled, she wrapped it carefully, the paper making a soft sound under her fingers. She didn’t cut it at home, but waited until she was at the studio, letting the day decide its purpose.


The studio smelled different by midmorning.

There was coffee, but now also a faint, unexpected scent of sugar, weaving through the metal, dust, and electricity. Celeste put the box on the back table, away from cables and cords—far enough not to be kicked, but close enough to be seen. She left no note or explanation. She cut the cake into small, even slices with clean edges, and slid a plate under the first piece so it wouldn’t bend.

Nao noticed first.

He always did.

“Is it someone’s birthday?” he asked, already reaching for a plate.

“No,” she said.

He nodded, satisfied. Took a slice. Bit in.

“Oh,” he said, mouth full. “This is good.”

“She’ll stop bringing things if you’re too enthusiastic,” Leo said.

Nao grinned. “Worth the risk.”

Brett came next, moving slowly. He looked at the cake, as if hoping it would show its purpose if he watched it long enough.

“Did we survive something?” he asked.

“Yes,” Nao said. “Morning.”

Brett snorted, took a slice, then grabbed another and wrapped it in a napkin.

Peter waited until there were fewer people around. He took a plate, nodded once at Celeste, his gaze sincere but avoiding meeting her eyes too long. “Thank you,” he said quietly, already stepping away with a reserved air.

Leo hovered.

He adjusted his camera strap, glanced at the cake, then at her. “Can I?”

She slid a plate toward him. “It’s cake.”

He smiled, relieved. “Right. Good.”

Paul came last.

He always waited when it came to things he didn’t trust.

He stopped short when he saw the table. He looked at the cake, then at her, his brow furrowed as though weighing a decision. Looked back at the cake again, as if checking for movement or hidden meaning.

“Well,” he said. “Let me guess.”

She kept her hands busy, straightening napkins already neat, trying to mask the twist of anxiety tightening in her stomach.

“Communion?”

She didn’t look up. “It’s cake.”

“For what?” he asked. “Redemption? A miracle? Or is it a holy day?”

The room grew quiet without anyone meaning it to. Someone cleared their throat. Someone else pretended to tune an instrument.

She set a fork beside the plate. The metal made a small, precise sound.

“Yes,” she said.

Paul laughed, sharp and quick. “Of course it is. Goth Nun’s got a calendar.”

Nao coughed into his hand, momentarily hiding a grin. Brett shifted in his seat, his chair legs scraping softly as if to fill the silence. Peter stared intently at his phone, jaw set a little tighter than usual.

Paul picked up a slice anyway. He looked it over, turning the plate a little, as if he expected to find a symbol in the cake.

“So,” he said. “What saint is this? Patron of passive aggression?”

She met his eyes—long enough to hold his gaze, but not long enough to invite anything more.

“Mary Magdalene,” she said.

He blinked. Just once. “The prostitute?”

The word hit, sharp and ugly. The room went quiet; shoulders tensed, and eyes darted away, giving the impact a physical weight.

She didn’t flinch.

“The witness,” she said, and turned away.

Paul stared at her back for half a beat too long, his mouth tightening in thought. Then he took a bite, chewed, and let his posture soften, as if conceding something.

“Tastes expensive,” he said, voice lower. “You bake like you’re buying forgiveness.”

She walked across the room and erased a time on the board. Noon became eleven-thirty. The marker squeaked once, then stopped. She wrote the new time. The band adjusted without saying anything, moving their instruments and shifting around as if they’d planned it themselves.

“Hey,” Nao said, glancing at the board. “We’re early.”

“Yes,” Celeste said.

“Cool,” he replied. “I like early.”

The break ended. Only crumbs and clean plates were left. Leo licked his fork and looked a little guilty. Brett wrapped up the last piece and put it in his bag. Paul scraped his plate clean, making a point of it, then left it on the table instead of taking it to the sink.

Celeste wiped the table anyway. She folded the box flat, put it in her bag, and threw the napkins away.

Her phone vibrated once.

She didn’t reach for it immediately.

She waited until the amps started humming again and the room was full of sound, so she could slip out unnoticed. Then she opened the message.

I thought of her today.

The way she stays.

Not at the center. Not rewarded.

Just present.

There’s courage in that kind of fidelity.

She read the message with her back against the wall, feeling the music vibrate through her shoulders. The room sounded far away, almost like she was underwater. She closed the message and put her phone away.

Paul’s voice cut through the music.

“Hey,” he called. “You get a thank-you note from God, or what?”

She put the kettle on and poured water. Steam rose, briefly fogging her glasses before it cleared.

“It’s for everyone,” she said, nodding once toward the empty plate.

He watched her a moment longer, the line between skepticism and understanding flickering in his expression.

He started to say something, then stopped. He took a sip of tea and burned his tongue a little.

“Shit.”

Nao laughed. “Careful,” he said. “Holy beverages.”

The day moved on.

Rehearsal got more focused. The sound settled in. Arguments started and faded quickly. Celeste kept moving, handing out water, fixing cables, and calling out the time. Behind her eyes, a gentle pressure grew—familiar as regret, present as an ache she wouldn’t let surface.

By evening, the studio grew dim. She finished her last task, labeled the folders for tomorrow, and turned off the lights in the order she knew mattered. The kettle cooled. The room seemed to let out a breath.

As she left, a faint smell of sugar clung to her coat.

She carried it home, like something she hadn’t planned to give away but did anyway.

Held Light, Held Close – Chapter 4: What She Kept Quietly

The studio smelled faintly of coffee and metal when Celeste arrived.

The coffee smell was old—just the lingering hint from an unwashed pot. Metallic notes rose from cables, used so often they barely reacted to temperature swings. Lights hummed weakly, and the building felt half-awake.

Celeste unlocked the supply cabinet first.

Habit. Always first.

The key slid in easily. Tape, batteries, spare strings, and folded cloths were all there; no need to check by hand. She closed the cabinet quietly and precisely. She put her coat on the back of the chair and set her bag at her feet.

She filled the kettle and turned the flame low.

Today required nothing public.

She pulled a small, tissue-wrapped candle from her bag and stepped toward the back shelf behind the temperamental printer. She placed it there with deliberate care, not hiding it, just marking the space.

She struck a match. It flared, died. The second caught.

The flame held.

She watched the flame steady, then turned her back and tended to the kettle.

Footsteps echoed through the corridor, dragging cases behind them. With a door swinging open too wide and bumping the wall, new energy entered the half-awake studio.

Nao entered, shoulders back and jaw set. “Who stole my left drumstick? I had two yesterday,” he announced.

“You had one,” Celeste said, pouring water. “You lent the other to Leo.”

Nao stopped. Blinked. Then laughed.

“Wow,” he said. “That’s unsettling.”

“You asked,” she said, sliding a mug to him.

He took it gratefully, warming his hands. “I didn’t think you’d know.”

As Nao processed this, Leo appeared behind him, camera already looped around his wrist, the noise of earlier arrivals settling into a new rhythm.

“I returned it,” Leo said. “You said to keep it.”

“I did not,” Nao protested.

“You absolutely did.”

Celeste watched them for half a second, then returned to the whiteboard, marker already in hand.

Moments later, Brett came in next, steady and watchful, as if the room depended on him to stay together. He saw the candle but said nothing, simply placing his bag in a safe place and giving her a quick nod.

Following Brett, Peter entered quietly, his bass case bumping the doorframe and signaling another arrival in the building’s gradual awakening.

“Sorry,” he murmured to the wall.

Paul arrived late, his entrance more abrupt than the others, as the morning routine was already underway.

The door opened harder than necessary.

His jacket slipped off his shoulder and landed wherever it fell, the sleeve dragging behind. He noticed the candle right away. His eyes caught on it, sharpening.

“What’s that?” he asked.

Celeste didn’t turn. She checked the kettle instead.

“Inventory,” she said.

Paul laughed. “Of course it is.”

He walked over, hands relaxed, his casual posture clearly intentional.

“So what,” he said, peering at it, “we’re cleansing the vibes now?”

“No,” she said. “Just keeping them.”

He snorted. “That’s worse.”

She poured water, then angled the mugs just so, arranging them in a neat row along the countertop so each was easily reachable for anyone passing by.

Paul took it automatically.

He gripped the mug tightly, his guarded posture slipping as the warmth startled him.

“Careful,” he said, looking around. “She’ll start charging indulgences.”

Nao laughed, but stopped when Brett’s chair scraped sharply.

“It’s fine,” Brett said, calm but final. “Let’s start.”

Celeste checked the board.

“Five minutes early,” she said. “If we keep the order.”

Paul rolled his eyes. “Hear that? Goth Nun’s running the clock.”

She didn’t respond.

She updated the Miami run sheet. Corrected a hotel change. Replaced a contact number and erased the old one so cleanly it vanished. Paul hovered nearby, too close to be accidental.

“Do we get incense later,” he asked, “or is that a VIP upgrade?”

She handed him a pen.

“Sign here,” she said.

He blinked. Took it. Signed without reading.

“Wow,” he said. “Authoritarian and mysterious.”

The morning passed in workable pieces.

Sounds overlapped: arguments flickered and died. Celeste moved between them, untangling cables, nudging water bottles, and stepping quietly through tension. Their eyes flicked to her hands, silently following her command.

Paul tested her whenever he could.

“Goth Nun,” he called. “You ever do anything fun?”

She moved past him, her shoulder close as she went by, careful not to touch him.

“The staring’s creepy. Like you’re taking notes for later,” he said, louder.

She stopped. Turned.

“I don’t stare,” she said. “I listen.”

A flicker—quick doubt or discomfort—crossed his face before he masked it with a crooked smile.

“Yeah?” he said. “To God or to gossip?”

Brett cut in. “Paul.”

Paul lifted both hands. “Relax. I’m bonding.”

At lunch, Celeste didn’t sit.

She stood at the counter, typing out replies while sliding plates across the surface toward hands that reached for them without looking up.

When Paul didn’t reach, she didn’t insist.

“Not hungry?” Nao asked him.

Paul shrugged. “Too holy in here. Ruined my appetite.”

She took aspirin—without comment—when the ache sharpened. Noticing, Paul looked away too quickly, his shoulders stiffening.

Later, when the room emptied for a moment, Paul filled the silence.

“You know what I think?” he said, low.

She didn’t move.

“I think you like it,” he continued. “The mystery. Makes people careful.”

“I’m here to work,” she said.

He stepped closer. Testing.

“Then work,” he said. “And stop acting like you’re above us.”

She met his gaze.

“I’m not,” she said.

No defense. No edge.

He laughed once. Not amused.

“Sure.”

By the time Mark called it, signaling the end of the session, the air felt scraped thin, and the day’s blended noises faded into tired quiet.

Celeste straightened the counter. Washed the last mug. Locked the cabinet.

Paul watched her go, lips pressed tight, fingers drumming silently on the table.

“Don’t forget to pray for us,” he called. “We need it.”

She paused at the door. Looked back once.

“I do,” she said.

Outside, the cold bit clean.

In her bag, the candle stub pressed warm against her palm.

She didn’t name what she kept.

She never did.

Held Light, Held Close – Chapter 3: Weather Beneath the Skin

By Friday, everyone in the room understood Paul’s moods, as if they had settled in deep, as the weather does in your bones.

No one mentioned it. The feeling arrived before Paul, a quiet tension spreading. Even the walls seemed changed. The air felt thinner, more charged. Celeste noticed that while the hallway lights still blinked on, before the door opened, before any noise confirmed it.

Paul came in already sharp.

Paul’s jacket slipped off his shoulder and landed on a chair or the floor. He didn’t bother to pick it up. The mic cord tangled around his boot as he walked. He left it there, almost daring someone not to notice. The sound check fell apart early. Someone hit a cymbal too hard, and the metal rang too long. A count was missed—not by accident, but not late enough to excuse.

The room adjusted.

Everyone reacted in their own way. Brett stood straighter, steadying himself. Leo moved closer to the wall and let the noise fade. Peter tuned his instrument slowly and carefully. He focused on something precise. Nao tried to joke, but stopped halfway—feeling the change in the room. His laughter faded into a small, quiet smile.

Celeste adjusted too.

She didn’t announce it. She never did.

She quietly changed the schedule, moving a softer piece up and cutting a break she had planned. She made a call earlier than usual, knowing the person on the other coast would be awake, and thinking it was better to use up impatience on someone outside the room. Her hands worked carefully, pencil tapping once before going still. The others followed her lead without realizing it.

Paul noticed.

“Wow,” Paul drawled, leaning back against the amp, arms loose, eyes sharp on the clipboard tucked against her ribs. “Didn’t know we hired a disciplinarian.”

She kept writing. The pen scratched softly, steady, unhurried.

“Careful,” Paul continued, his voice growing warmer with the attention. “She might put us in detention. Kneel on rice. That sort of thing.”

Nao laughed quickly, but stopped as soon as Brett looked at him, pressing his lips together in apology. Leo stayed by the wall, eyes down, guitar hanging at his side. Peter kept tuning, not looking up, his fingers moving slowly and carefully over the strings.

Celeste walked over and put a bottle of water by Paul’s feet. She didn’t hand it to him or look at him. She set it down where he would notice it, but didn’t offer it directly.

Paul pushed the bottle with his boot, making the plastic scrape softly on the concrete.

Paul nudged the bottle again with his boot. “You got a name,” he jeered, “or is it just the outfit? Because I’m sticking with Goth Nun. Rolls off the tongue.”

She paused. Just long enough to cap her pen.

“My name is Celeste,” she replied.

Her voice stayed calm and steady. She didn’t raise it or make a show, but she didn’t back down either.

Paul grinned, wide and careless. “Course it is.”

The morning dragged on. Hours passed, slow as fog that never clears. Rehearsal moved in fits and starts. They made progress, lost it, then tried again. Voices clashed and quieted. Paul’s comments slipped in at the right moments—not enough to stop things, but enough to leave a mark.

“Hey, Goth Nun,” Paul called while she balanced the schedule on her knee, pencil tucked behind her ear. “You ever do anything fun? Or you just here to judge us silently?”

She walked past him, close enough that their shoulders almost touched. The space between them felt tense, a thin line neither one crossed.

“Because,” he added, louder now, projecting for the room, “it’s creepy. The staring. Like you’re writing us down for later.”

She stopped at the doorway and turned around.

“I don’t stare,” she said. “I listen.”

A quick expression crossed his face—maybe surprise, maybe irritation at being called out so clearly. He hid it right away.

“Yeah?” he said. “To God or to gossip?”

Brett stepped in before the sound could sharpen further, voice level, grounded. “Paul.”

Paul waved him off. “Relax. I’m bonding.”

Celeste walked to the board, erased a previously written time, and wrote a new one with deliberate, steady motions. Even as a familiar ache pressed behind her eyes, her hand did not waver. She drew slow, measured breaths and counted the spaces between the newly arranged numbers.

At lunch, she didn’t sit.

She stood by the counter, calmly typing responses to emails. When others reached for plates, she passed them over one by one. She observed who ate quickly, who set their food aside untouched, and who just pushed food around their plates rather than eating.

When Paul didn’t reach, she didn’t insist.

“Not hungry?” Nao asked him, gently, trying to soften the space.

Paul shrugged. “Lost my appetite. Too holy in here.”

She kept typing.

The afternoon felt heavier. The room warmed with people and noise. Rain traced thin lines outside as the windows fogged. A song stopped halfway. An argument flared up, then faded into silence.

Later, when the room was briefly empty and the instruments were quiet, Paul found himself alone with the silence.

“You know what I think?” Paul said in a low, almost conversational tone.

She looked up from her spreadsheet. There was nowhere for her to move back; the counter was cool and firm against her back.

“I think you like it,” he continued. “The pity. The mystery. Makes people gentle.”

She turned to face him. He stood close, almost crossing a line but not quite. He waited, watching her for a reaction.

“I’m here to work,” she answered.

He leaned closer, the citrus sharp and clean against the sweat and metal of the room. “Then work,” he said. “And stop acting like you’re above us.”

She didn’t move.

“I’m not,” she replied.

Her words were plain and honest, with no attempt to defend herself.

He laughed once, sharp, brittle. “Sure.”

The afternoon felt tighter around them. When Mark finally ended things, the air seemed worn out, as if something had been used too much. Celeste picked up her papers, straightened them, and put them in her folder. She cleaned the counter, wiped it down, washed the last mug, and set it to dry.

She moved slowly and with purpose, following a routine she had learned long before she came to this room or this city.

Paul watched her leave in silence. His eyes followed her as she walked out, and something uneasy showed in the tightness of his jaw and the way his foot tapped once, then stopped.

Outside, the light had already gone.

She walked home in silence, without music. The city buzzed around her, busy and uncaring. Sirens sounded in the distance, then faded. She left her phone in her bag, choosing not to answer it.

She paused at her door. Her breath caught for a moment, a tight feeling passing through her chest. Then she unlocked the door and went inside.

Her apartment was quiet when she came in. She put down her bag, hung up her coat, and lit a candle. The flame burned steadily, a small spot of warmth in the dim room. She stood for a moment, hands on the counter, letting the day’s tension fade.

She filled the kettle and waited for it to click. She poured hot water over the herbs she picked without thinking. Steam rose, smelling comforting. She held the mug and closed her eyes, taking a long, slow breath.

Later, she would sit on her bed and slowly, carefully take the pins from her hair. Later, she would kneel—not out of submission, but from habit—finding comfort in a routine that was older than this week, this city, or the room that had learned Paul’s moods.

For now, she stood and breathed.

Across the city, the studio lights went out. The room was empty. Paul stayed longer than necessary, replaying the day in his mind like background noise he couldn’t ignore. He told himself it didn’t matter. He told himself it was just a joke. He told himself he didn’t care.

None of it stuck.

The order she left behind stayed, quiet and steady, keeping the sense of her presence even after she was gone.

Held Light, Held Close – Chapter 2: The Shape of Quiet

The studio got to know her quickly.

It got used to her the way old buildings get used to their people—by routine, not attentiveness. By midweek, doors opened before she arrived. Someone lingered at the handle, uncertain why. Schedules stayed on track—imperfect, at times requiring pushback —but they stayed on track. Every morning, the kettle whistled, clear and sharp, always at the same time. No one wondered when the sound had shifted from a break to a marker of time.

Celeste moved through the studio as if she had always belonged there, her steps quiet and deliberate, blending unnoticed into the space’s routine.

She kept her phone face down.

Her phone sat near the edge of the counter where Celeste worked. She placed it close enough to feel its vibrations while she labeled folders, aligning their spines and smoothing the corners with her thumb before reaching for the buzzing device.

Miami in blue. Winter in grey. April in red, untouched.

Only then did she turn the screen over.

An unfamiliar name. No photo. No embellishment. A plain subject line that carried no promise and no threat.

Your recent post.

She read it while standing, leaning one shoulder against the counter as the room moved around her. The drums tried out a new tempo, first unsure, then stronger. Brett’s guitar played quietly underneath it all. Paul’s voice broke through the noise, impatient, sharp enough to make people look up and then look away.

The email was careful. Exact.

He wrote about restraint. He mentioned how the ending avoided the easy choice, and how that choice kept the piece strong, like a spine that stays straight. He quoted one of her sentences back to her, with the punctuation just right. He didn’t ask who she was, where she lived, or what she did for work.

He thanked her for leaving space.

Celeste read it once, then again more slowly, as if looking for something beyond the words. She closed the message without replying and put her phone back in her bag, the zipper making a quiet, final sound.

The world resumed around her.

Nao walked by on his way to the amp, already smiling before he reached her. “Tea’s perfect,” he said, meaning it, and kept moving, leaving the words behind as a small gesture.

Paul watched from the center of the room, mic cord looped tight around his wrist, the cable wound and rewound without need.

Paul called, his voice sudden in the quiet. “Hey, Goth Nun.”

She did not look up.

He added, addressing the room rather than her, “Is it against your vows to answer?” His voice was pitched outward, light.

The others acted like they didn’t hear. Leo fiddled with his camera strap, staring at the buckle. Peter shifted his bass, checking the strings even though nothing had changed. Brett’s jaw tightened and relaxed, so slightly it was easy to miss.

Celeste walked over to the whiteboard, marker in hand. She changed the schedule: noon became eleven-thirty. She did not explain the shift; she only made it, the marker squeaking softly until the update stuck.

Paul laughed, short and sharp. “See? Miracles.”

Celeste moved between stations throughout the morning—passing water, collecting empty cups, and making a note where a note would save time. She adjusted her pace to match the studio’s quiet requests, never rushing or slowing, simply responding to what was needed.

Later, she replied.

She wrote two sentences: a simple thank you and a plain observation about rhythm, set down gently, not meant to make a splash. She sent it and closed her laptop without waiting for a reply.


Thursday was crisp and cold. The change could be felt before sunrise.

The wind cleared the night. By morning, the city felt sharper, with clear lines and corners. In the cold, sounds traveled farther, but everything seemed quieter, as if New York was listening. The sky was a pale gray, giving neither warmth nor the promise of snow.

Celeste arrived early, just as she always did.

The studio lobby smelled of cleaning solution and old coffee. The lights hummed quietly, still a little dim. Her footsteps echoed more than they would later, once the place was busy. She took off her coat, folded it, and hung it on her usual hook outside the main walkway.

Her hands were cold when she reached the kitchenette. She filled the kettle, set it on the burner, and stood close so the first steam warmed her knuckles. The ache behind her eyes flared with the change in temperature, a dull pressure that faded quickly, as familiar as breathing. She ignored it. She knew which feelings needed action and which could just be noticed.

While the water heated, she got to work.

She stacked and straightened the call sheets, tapping their edges on the counter. Boarding passes printed quietly, each destination clear in black type. She sorted them by leg and date, the paper soft under her fingers. In a rider halfway through a folder, she found a typo that had slipped through three reviews. One letter was off, changing the meaning just enough to matter. She fixed it, signed the margin, and moved on.

An email arrived from a venue contact who had been stuck on the same issue for days. She read it, replied with three words, and sent it before the kettle boiled. The problem was solved quietly.water slowly, steam rising in a thin, steady line. The scent of herbs filled the small space, grounding and familiar. She wrapped her hands around the mug, letting the heat seep in, watching her breath fog faintly above it.

Her phone vibrated on the counter. She didn’t pick it up right away. She finished setting out the mugs, placing them where people would grab them without thinking. Only then did she pick up her phone.

The reply came faster this time.

She leaned against the counter as she read, the room quiet around her. Down the hall, someone tapped a drumstick. A guitar hummed softly as it was tuned. Voices murmured, still soft and unfocused.

He wrote about listening.

He talked about letting a line stand on its own, trusting the silence around it to do some of the work. He mentioned breath, how a sentence revealed itself when spoken aloud, and how sound could show where language tried too hard. His words were precise, careful, but not cautious.

At the end, he asked one question, as if he was hesitant to include it, tucked after a paragraph break.

Do you ever revise aloud?

She read it twice.

The corner of her mouth turned up, just a little, an involuntary response. The expression faded quickly, smoothed away by habit. She locked the screen and put the phone back in her bag, the zipper closing with a quiet, final sound.

The day moved on.

Paul’s shadow crossed the counter as he leaned close, blocking the overhead light. The sudden absence of brightness made her blink once, slowly.

“You on confession duty now?” he asked, glancing at the mugs lined up. “Or is that later?”

She picked up a mug without saying anything and set it where his hand would land. She didn’t look at him as she did it.

He took it without thinking, his fingers closing around the handle. He felt the warmth before he realized it. His grip tightened a little, then relaxed.

He lowered his voice so only she could hear. “Careful. You keep staring at that phone, people might think you’ve got a life.”

She looked at him then.

Her gaze was calm and steady. It didn’t rise to meet his or drop away. It just held, the way she held everything else. For a moment, neither of them moved.

Then she looked past him, her eyes finding the clock high on the wall. The second hand ticked loudly in the quiet, precise, and unforgiving.

“Next block in five,” she called out, her voice carrying. “Let’s reset.”

Paul’s jaw tightened. The humor left his posture, replaced by irritation.

He didn’t like that.

By afternoon, the comments grew sharper.

They came as small jabs, never quite crossing the line, but close enough to hurt if she reacted. The nickname returned, worn smooth by repetition, used like a hook cast again and again to see if it would catch.

“Goth Nun, you got our sins scheduled?”

“Goth Nun, pray for better monitors.”

“Goth Nun, you ever smile, or is that extra?”

She didn’t answer.

Instead, she shifted a break by ten minutes, trimming it just enough to keep momentum without igniting tempers. She rerouted a call to voicemail when she saw it would derail the room. She adjusted the order of two songs, placing the more volatile one earlier while the energy was still clean.

She felt every tug for her attention, every pull on the day. She responded with small, careful movements, barely noticeable unless you were watching. The room stayed balanced, even as pressure grew.

By late afternoon, the ache behind her eyes was stronger.

Sounds felt a little off, as if everything was half a beat behind. The light felt harsher than it should. She reached into her bag, took out aspirin, and swallowed it dry. She did it so often she barely noticed.

Paul noticed anyway.

He glanced at her, noticed the small movement, then looked away just as quickly. His mouth opened as if to say something, then closed again. He turned back to his mic, adjusting the stand with more force than needed.

As dusk came, the studio windows reflected more than they showed. The city outside faded into steel and shadow. When the room finally paused, Celeste stepped out for some air.

The river was just beyond the building, wide and indifferent. It carried the winter light, steel-grey and sharp. She stood with her hands in her coat pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold. Her breath fogged once, twice, then settled into a steady rhythm.

On the far bank, traffic hissed as tires cut through damp pavement. Somewhere, a bell rang faintly, its sound thin and distant, almost lost in the wind. She stayed until the tightness in her chest eased and the world felt right again.

Her phone buzzed again in her bag. She didn’t take it out. She knew it could wait.

When she came back inside, the room quieted in a way she felt more than heard. Paul watched her cross the floor, his expression unreadable. He didn’t speak. He didn’t joke. He didn’t look away.

The silence that followed her was heavier than anything he had said to her all day.

She took her place at the counter, straightened a stack of papers, and called the next segment without a word. The day moved on.

But something had changed.

And everyone in the room knew it.

All or Nothing

Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
everything yet nothing
at once?

Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
invincible yet vulnerable
at once?

Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
peaceful yet revengeful
at once?

Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
healing yet bleeding
at once?

Repressed Feelings (2020) © anastasiasyah

Tidak Suka Kado Pasangan? Lakukan Ini!

Salah satu hal terindah dari relationship adalah menerima kado atau hadiah dari pasangan. Dari yang romantis seperti kejutan, candle light dinnergetaway berdua. Atau yang mahal seperti gadget super canggih. Atau yang lebih sederhana seperti tiket gratis, pakaian, atau kado buatan sendiri. Namun, bagaimana jadinya kalau kamu tidak suka kado pasangan? Masa iya kamu harus menolak pemberian dia terang-terangan?

Mungkin sulit menyembunyikan kekecewaanmu pada pasangan karena kado darinya tidak sesuai ekspektasi atau kebutuhanmu. Apa yang harus dilakukan jika kamu benci kado pasangan? Lakukan saja cara halus ini!

1. Tetap Terima Kado Pasangan Dengan Senyuman!

Close up of woman hands holding red gift box for special event
via Pexels

Walaupun kamu kesal, jangan marah-marah! Ingat, pasangan tulus memberikan kado ini untukmu. Tetap terima dengan senyuman. Ucapkan terima kasih padanya. Tersenyum dan berterimakasih dapat menahan kekecewaan dan kekesalan agar tidak meluap di depan pasangan. Ingat, kamu lakukan ini karena tidak ingin menyakiti pasangan.

2. Ekspresikan Dengan Cara Halus

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via Pexels

Gunakan kata-kata ini agar tetap jujur tanpa harus menyakiti pasangan.

“Wow!”
“Kamu nggak usah repot-repot, sayang!”
“Ini beneran buat aku?”
“Kamu juga bisa pakai kadonya, nih!”
“Aku nggak nyangka kamu bakal kadoin aku ini.”

Ingat, gunakan kata-kata di atas dengan senyuman dan ucapan terima kasih seperti yang dibahas pada poin pertama. Jangan sampai terlontar kata-kata tidak mengenakkan hati.

3. Tanyakan Alasan Pasangan Memberi Kado Tersebut

SAMSUNG CSC
via Pexels

Kalau kamu sama sekali tidak paham alasan hadiah pemberian pasangan, tanyakan saja alasannya. Apalagi kalau kamu sama sekali tidak menemukan fungsi kado tersebut di kehidupan kamu sehari-hari. Tanyakan hal-hal seperti, “Menurut kamu, enaknya ditaruh di mana?” atau “Cocok nggak kalau aku bawa ke kantor?” atau “Kamu mau liat aku pakai ini waktu kencan?” atau “Kamu mau pakai juga, nggak? Kita share berdua aja, yuk!”

Semoga dengan ini pasangan akan memberikan penjelasan yang membuat kado darinya menjadi lebih berharga buatmu. Mungkin bagi dia kamu terlihat keren memakai kado pemberiannya. Mungkin dia ingin kamu lebih efisien atau praktis dengan pekerjaanmu. Kalau kamu masih belum bisa menemukan alasannya, ulangi lagi poin satu dan dua.

4. Dicoba Dulu Sekali Saja

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via Pexels

Kado pasangan jangan langsung dibenci, dibuang, atau dijual terlebih dulu. Give it a chance. Mungkin gadget mahal dari pasangan ternyata punya fitur yang sangat berguna untuk membantu pekerjaan kamu. Mungkin boneka dari pasangan yang kamu benci ternyata sangat nyaman dan bisa dipeluk saat tidur. Kalau kamu sudah menemukan satu hal berguna dari kado tersebut, SEGERA BERITAHU PASANGAN.

Dengan begitu, pasangan tidak akan bertanya lagi soal kado pemberiannya di lain waktu. Dia beranggapan kamu suka dan menggunakan kado darinya sepanjang waktu.

5. Ingat Alasan Kamu Mencintai Pasangan

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via Pexels

Kalau kamu kesal pasangan tidak pernah memberi kado romantis, mungkin karena pasangan orangnya praktis dan ingin membantu kamu agar lebih efisien?

Kalau kamu benci kado pasangan selalu membosankan, mungkin karena pasangan sudah merasa utuh bersama kamu?

Terus gali lagi alasan kenapa pasangan memberi kado seperti itu. Apa pun kado darinya, ingat, dia memberinya karena dia mencintai kamu dan ingin kamu lebih bahagia. Kalau kamu masih belum menemukan alasannya, ulangi saja poin 1-4 sampai dia lupa dia pernah memberi kado itu untuk kamu.

Relationship is all about effort. Kado pasangan adalah salah satu cerminan usaha darinya untuk membahagiakan kamu dan menambah kualitas hubungan. Kamu boleh benci kadonya, tetapi jangan sampai kamu membenci pasangan karenanya!

Artikel ini terbit di Kelas Cinta pada 31 Agustus 2018

Kok Rasanya Masih Kesepian Walaupun Punya Pasangan?

Banyak orang terburu-buru mencari pasangan untuk mengisi kekosongan dalam hidupnya. Mereka yakin jika sudah punya pasangan, mereka akan selalu bahagia dan tidak akan kesepian lagi seumur hidup. Tapi sedihnya, anggapan tersebut salah besar; karena realitanya memiliki pasangan tidak akan mengatasi rasa kesepian.

Kalau mencari pasangan karena kesepian, Anda akan menuntut pasangan untuk selalu membahagiakan Anda. Kalau pasangan menolak, Anda pasti bilang: “Sebagai pasangan, harusnya kamu bahagiakan aku, dong. Kamu harus selalu ada buat aku.” Dengan anggapan seperti itu, cepat atau lambat hubungan akan putus/cerai.

Memiliki pasangan memang menambah kebahagiaan, tetapi tidak akan bisa mengatasi rasa kesepian atau mengisi kekosongan diri. Jika Anda sudah punya pasangan tapi masih merasa kesepian, berarti ada masalah yang tersembunyi dalam hubungan yang harus segera diselesaikan.

Orang Yang Sudah Berpasangan Justru Lebih Gampang Kesepian

Dalam sebuah survey di Amerika Serikat yang diadakan tahun 2018 oleh Cigna pada 20 ribu orang, ternyata 50 persen pasangan selalu merasa kesepian atau diabaikan. Lebih dari 40 persen menganggap hubungan mereka sudah tidak menyenangkan lagi.

Tidak cuma itu, ada juga penelitian dari Pew Research Center yang mengungkapkan 1 dari 10 masyarakat Amerika Serikat yang sudah berkeluarga merasa kesepian.

Itulah akibat yang Anda rasakan bila mencari pasangan untuk mengisi kekosongan dalam diri. Pasangan tidak akan pernah bisa mengatasi kekosongan tersebut. Bahkan bagi pasangan yang bahagia pun, pasti ada saatnya mereka merasakan adanya jarak dalam hubungan atau menganggap pasangan sudah tidak seperti dulu lagi. Itu yang membuat mereka mulai merasa kesepian.

Selain itu, pasangan juga lebih mudah merasa kesepian jika ada suatu masalah terpendam. Jika tidak segera diselesaikan, masalah itu akan jadi beban konflik yang menumpuk, lalu akhirnya akan menjauhkan Anda dan pasangan.

Jessica Small, LMFT, seorang relationship coach dan penasehat pernikahan menyebutkan salah satu terbentuknya jarak adalah kurangnya momen-momen intim yang dulu sering dilakukan di awal hubungan, tetapi sekarang sudah tidak lagi dilakukan. Misalnya: tidak ada lagi peluk dan cium setiap pagi atau sebelum tidur, jadwal kencan setiap minggu berkurang, dan lain sebagainya. Makanya, banyak pasangan yang mengeluh kesepian karena pasangannya sudah berubah tidak seperti dulu lagi.

Jika Anda merasa kesepian, biasanya Anda punya 4 masalah ini:

1. Anda dan Pasangan Memiliki Masalah Komunikasi

Tony Gaskins berkata, “Communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life. Without it, it dies.” Artinya, kalau Anda merasa kesepian meskipun sudah punya pasangan, bisa jadi kalian punya masalah komunikasi. Masalah komunikasi bisa terjadi kalau kalian jarang atau nyaris tidak pernah ngobrol atau kalian belum tahu cara komunikasi yang tepat.

Pasangan adalah salah satu orang terdekat dalam hidup Anda, sehingga Anda akan mudah merasa kesepian kalau dia tidak tahu apa yang sedang Anda rasakan. Namun, bagaimana caranya pasangan tahu Anda sedang kesepian jika tidak diceritakan secara langsung?

Kurangnya atau masalah komunikasi harus segera Anda bicarakan pada pasangan. Selalu sempatkan waktu yang untuk ngobrol dengan pasangan dan mengungkapkan perasaan satu sama lain.

Don’t assume your partner knows about everything you expect in a relationship. Let them know. A relationship should be based on communication, not on assumption.

2. Lupa Menyempatkan Waktu Untuk Berkomunikasi Saat Quality Time

Apa yang Anda bayangkan saat quality time dengan pasangan? Biasanya yang ingin kalian lakukan adalah jalan bareng, makan malam romantis, nonton film, liburan, atau apa pun yang penting kalian bisa bersenang-senang. Hal ini tidak salah untuk dilakukan, tetapi sayangnya, kalian jadi lupa meluangkan waktu buat ngobrol intim berdua.

Amy McManus, seorang terapis pernikahan dan keluarga, menyebutkan jangan sampai Anda dan pasangan lupa berkomunikasi karena terlalu sibuk bersenang-senang. Bersenang-senang dengan pasangan memang penting supaya hubungan tidak mudah jenuh. Namun, jangan sampai Anda dan pasangan melupakan komunikasi.

Sama halnya jika Anda dan pasangan sama-sama sibuk bekerja. Banyak pasangan yang malas ngobrol setelah seharian bekerja dengan alasan terlalu capek dan tidak ada waktu. Sesampainya di rumah, mereka malah sibuk dengan kegiatan masing-masing, tidak ada sesi curhat atau mengobrol. Akibatnya, mereka jadi tidak tahu keadaan diri satu sama lain dan perlahan menjauh.

Kalau Anda serius menganggap hubungan kalian berharga, Anda harus mau dan siap meluangkan waktu untuk menyampaikan isi hati Anda ke pasangan dan sebaliknya. Komunikasi yang lancar menciptakan keterbukaan di antara pasangan, sehingga konflik apa pun yang kalian hadapi bisa diatasi dengan mudah.

3. Anda Enggan atau Takut Membuka Diri Pada Pasangan

Salah satu penyebab masalah komunikasi adalah salah satu pihak enggan membuka diri. Pernah tidak, Anda enggan membicarakan suatu topik dengan pasangan karena Anda pikir, “Kasihan dia lagi capek kerja, mending nggak usah diomongin,” atau “Buat apa sih diomongin, nggak penting banget topiknya,” atau “Nanti kalau diomongin, dia bakal marah terus kita bertengkar”?

Sikap-sikap seperti itu yang justru membuat Anda makin kesepian dan menjauh dari pasangan. Anda dan pasangan seharusnya bisa membicarakan apa pun, baik hal positif atau negatif. Aneh sekali kalau Anda sering merasa tidak nyaman mengungkapkan isi pikiran Anda dengan pasangan, karena pasangan semestinya adalah orang yang paling bisa Anda percaya. Tandanya ada suatu masalah pada diri Anda atau pada hubungan yang menghalangi kalian untuk berkomunikasi.

Kalau sudah tahu penyebab enggan berkomunikasi, beranikan diri untuk bicara dengan pasangan. Contohnya, “Selama ini aku takut obrolin masalah keuangan sama kamu. Yuk, kita omongin sekarang.” Dengan begitu, kamu dan pasangan akan lebih mudah mengeluarkan uneg-uneg dan kekhawatiran yang selama ini terpendam.

4. Anda Kurang Memperhatikan Diri Sendiri

Terkadang Anda kesepian bukan karena pasangan, melainkan karena diri Anda sendiri.

Seseorang mudah merasa kesepian kalau dia lupa memperhatikan diri sendiri dan memenuhi kebutuhan dirinya, sehingga dia mencari-cari perhatian dari pasangan. Kalau Anda terus-terusan seperti ini, Anda akan berubah jadi pasangan clingy yang membebani pasangan. Supaya tidak menjadi seperti itu, belajarlah untuk menghadapi kesendirian Anda.

Menurut Niloo Dardashti, seorang psikolog dari New York, cara mengatasi rasa kesepian adalah dengan meluangkan waktu sendiri. Mungkin Anda perlu melakukan self-care dengan luangkan waktu sendiri untuk membantu Anda menikmati kesendirian. Luangkan waktu sendiri untuk cari kesibukan baru, lakukan meditasi, atau manjakan diri. Setelah Anda nyaman dengan kesendirian itu, Anda tidak akan mudah takut kesepian.

Namun, jika rasa kesepian itu sudah berlarut-larut, pertimbangkan untuk konsultasi ke ahli seperti psikolog atau psikiater. Bisa jadi itu adalah salah satu gejala depresi yang harus segera Anda atasi.

Komunikasi adalah salah satu pondasi utama dalam hubungan. Jadi tidak heran kalau Anda semakin gampang merasa kesepian setelah punya pasangan karena komunikasinya tidak lancar. Kalau sudah berpasangan, berarti Anda harus sadar komunikasi butuh usaha dari Anda dan pasangan. Jangan jadikan kesibukan, capek, malas, dan asumsi pasangan pasti sudah tahu apa yang Anda rasakan sebagai alasan untuk tidak berkomunikasi.

Para ahli menyarankan, sempatkan waktu untuk lakukan pillow talk dengan pasangan setelah sibuk beraktivitas dan mengurus keluarga. Pillow talk adalah ngobrol berdua di kasur sebelum tidur sambil berpelukan. Mengobrol seperti ini tidak perlu bertatap mata sehingga Anda akan lebih nyaman untuk terbuka dengan pasangan. Kalau Anda tidak sempat melakukan pillow talk, lakukan obrolan pada lain waktu. Misalnya, ngobrol sambil makan malam berdua tanpa gangguan apa pun atau ngobrol di mobil saat sedang jalan-jalan. Sambil mengobrol, kalian bisa sambil berpegangan tangan atau berpelukan, karena sentuhan fisik dapat meningkatkan rasa intim dan kasih sayang saat sedang mengobrol.

Dengan pasangan, tidak ada topik yang tidak penting untuk dibicarakan. Kalian bisa bicarakan apa pun seperti kejadian hari ini, apa yang kalian suka dari satu sama lain, impian dan harapan masing-masing di masa depan, hal-hal baru yang ingin kalian coba, mengingat momen-momen di masa lalu, membicarakan ketakutan satu sama lain, memuji kelebihan pasangan, dan masih banyak lagi. Kalau Anda bisa membagikan semua itu dengan pasangan, Anda tidak akan merasa kesepian lagi dalam hubungan.

Jangan pikir dengan punya pasangan rasa kesepian otomatis bakal hilang. Menghilangkan rasa kesepian bukanlah tanggung jawab pasangan. Kesepian tidak akan benar-benar hilang sampai Anda mau melakukan solusinya sendiri dengan selalu merawat diri dan memelihara komunikasi dengan pasangan.

Referensi:
[1] Why You’re Feeling Lonely In Your Relationship (& What To Do About It)
[2] Americans Unhappy with Family, Social or Financial Life are More Likely to Say They Feel Lonely
[3] Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship? Here’s What to Do About It
[4] How to Up Your Relationship Intimacy with Pillow Talk

Artikel ini terbit di Kelas Cinta pada 4 Februari 2020