Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
everything yet nothing
at once?
Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
invincible yet vulnerable
at once?
Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
peaceful yet revengeful
at once?
Tell me,
how does it feel
to be
healing yet bleeding
at once?
Repressed Feelings (2020) © anastasiasyah
I don’t want to claim myself as a good daughter.
Yet, I want to give the best for my parents.
I tried with my dad, but he passed away.
Though I see him in my dreams,
I never dared to ask if I was ever good for him.
Dear mother,
You’re barely feet from me,
yet you’re a hundred years away.
Nothing can persuade you to stay.
You’re fading away day by day.
And to see you like that before my eyes,
It makes me want to fade away, too.
I want to know what’s going on with your mind.
It feels like mine and yours are continents away.
I built a boat to reach you,
but each paddle only drives me away from you.
I don’t know how much longer I can paddle towards you.
I don’t know how much longer I can linger with you.
I don’t know how much longer I can wave my flashlight to you.
08/16/24 © anastasiasyah
You are a performer. You perform.
I am a writer. I write.
I’d like to think we are suffering the same longing.
A longing for a grip of reality for we have been losing ourselves in our dreams.
A longing to be deciphered for we have been losing ourselves beneath our masks.
A longing to be purified for we have been corrupting ourselves with depravity.
These sufferings are the risks we gladly took the first time we picked up our instruments.
10/16/23 © anastasiasyah
On the day my father died,
I wasn’t sad
Or thinking about how my life would be after his passing
I thought, “This time, I have to be mature.”
What does it mean?
How’s it different than growing up?
Being mature means
I’m not just a daughter anymore
I’m now a partner to my mother
Sharing my income
Thinking about how my decision could affect my family
Realized that now I live not only for myself
Being mature means
My brother is starting to resent the fact
that I constantly nag him to study
Because as the big sister
I now have the responsibility to guide him like a parent should
Being mature means
Constantly take rain-checks to my date plans
I can’t go to social events all the time
Hoping they’d understand
I refrain from shopping
Knowing that I can’t spend my money as much as I want
Every cent I have counted so I can eat tomorrow
Being mature means
Secretly hoping someone, anyone, will accept the fact
That I can’t be loving and understanding all the time
I have to give tough love and make tough decisions
Because if I don’t do it, who will?
Being mature means
I repress my feelings and put on a happy face
If they know I’m not okay, then my family will crumble
I have to be a warrior who silently bleeds as I fight against my adversaries
Repressed Feelings 