I was busy criticizing myself and turned to poetry instead, where I felt safe—able to express myself, even if sorting my feelings was hard. I was loud in the quietest ways.
What She Built In Silence began as a high school story—raw, unapologetic, and hopeful. I miss that energy. Now in my 30s, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Scoliosis treatment is a struggle. Therapy means years of patching up, changing patterns, healing, and lots of crying.
So, when you read the story, you might sense my journey in every word.
There will be critics. But don’t worry—I’m my harshest critic. There may be praise, but I’ll likely be too stunned to react.
But most importantly, I’m letting myself move from hesitation to grace, giving myself permission to write stories again.
There will be flaws, and I won’t hide from them. It’s about being brave and moving forward.
I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoy writing it.
I don’t want to claim myself as a good daughter. Yet, I want to give the best for my parents. I tried with my dad, but he passed away. Though I see him in my dreams, I never dared to ask if I was ever good for him.
Dear mother, You’re barely feet from me, yet you’re a hundred years away. Nothing can persuade you to stay. You’re fading away day by day. And to see you like that before my eyes, It makes me want to fade away, too.
I want to know what’s going on with your mind. It feels like mine and yours are continents away. I built a boat to reach you, but each paddle only drives me away from you. I don’t know how much longer I can paddle towards you. I don’t know how much longer I can linger with you. I don’t know how much longer I can wave my flashlight to you.
I think anyone who’s the eldest sibling in their family can relate to the great Dean Winchester from Supernatural. Not only is he incredible and the best hunter in the world, but he’s also protective of his family, especially his brother, Sam.
Throughout the series, Dean has taught me some awfully relatable things in my life.
Dean Taught Me to be My Awesome Self All The Time, Even When the World Tells Me Otherwise
Even when there’s the apocalypse, monsters invading the world, annoying demons, and unbearable angels, Dean still stands and is adorable at all times. Eating pies, flirting with women, fixing stuff, smashing monsters and demons (sometimes angels) here and there. He’s kinda a nerd, too. He keeps mentioning pop culture references all the time (i.e., Jefferson Starship, Die Hard, Star Wars, not to mention Harry Potter)
His car, Baby, is part of him and is something he loves. Dean taught me to appreciate who I am and what I have, even if I don’t have much in my life.
Dean also has a hard time dealing with his own feelings (just like I do), but he’s always expressive in telling others what he wants. He always knows what he’s doing when he’s hunting monsters. He never hesitates to kill them to save other people, yet he can be wise enough not to kill when the monsters are innocent or useful to gain information.
Despite all his imperfections, Dean always stays true to himself. I think, in some ways, he’s a good man and an optimist. Even the monsters, demons, and even angels are often against him. I believe Death himself kind of favored him because of his true nature.
Dean Taught Me To Always Stand Up, Even Though He Got Tossed and Beaten Around
This man has returned to earth after 40 years of perdition and torture in Hell. This is the man who was there for Sam, so he wouldn’t be facing his death alone. This is the man who returned from Purgatory alive and still kicking ass. This is also the man who keeps protecting his brother when their father is so awfully hard on them.
Sometimes, he can’t see his worth because he took the blows as hard as he fought. But he always stands up, willing to sacrifice himself so others won’t have to suffer. Sometimes, he can be selfish, too, such as when he sold himself to the demons to resurrect Sam from death and ditched Castiel so he wouldn’t notice Gadriel possessed Sam to cure him.
His toughness, willfulness, and humanity impressed Castiel to the point that he betrayed his own kind for him. The episode when he got beaten up by Lucifer in season 5 made me cry. Not to mention, he did so much for his brother when they were little, from stealing food to putting much effort into making a good Christmas for him and protecting him from monsters.
Dean Taught Me Just Because Life Sucks So Hard, Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Enjoy the Ride
You tend to enjoy every little thing when you have a rough childhood. Dean found his joy in pies and porn. He lives in the moment and tries to enjoy good situations since he and his brothers don’t get them so much. Those are valuable things to be learned for me, who often whines, complains, and barely lives in the moment.
He enjoys pies and junk foods like me. He never denies pleasure when it’s given to him. He’s never a douche when some women reject him. He got along with Charlie Bradbury because they both have the same interest in pop culture. He’s the one who’s also taught Castiel to enjoy and understand human life.
During hard times, I look up to Dean Winchester. If he can find good things in his life, so can I.
Dean Taught Me Families Aren’t Always Sunshine and Rainbows, and I Still Love Them Anyway
When you have a brother who’s as stubborn as you are, things will get rough sometimes. That’s a simple way to describe the Winchester brothers’ relationship. Sam ran away to get a life on his own, and Dean took the beatings for him when John, their dad, found out. There’s also Dean’s disappointment towards Sam’s association with Ruby, the demon.
But he’s also there for Sam when he’s about to sacrifice himself to prevent the apocalypse. He’s also helped Castiel whenever he’s in trouble. His grief towards Bobby’s death was so deep he could barely see things clearly when Bobby turned into a ghost. He considers Charlie to be the little sister he never wanted.
Supernatural taught me that families won’t always bring joy to your life. They often annoy you, give you hard times, and sometimes steal your food. But you gotta love them and protect them. They’re the ones who will always be there for you when you have no one. Family doesn’t have to be blood, but you must cherish them and do anything for them.
Dean’s love for his family got him in trouble many times, but he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again and again for them.
To me, who sometimes has a hard time dealing with my own family, especially after my dad died, Dean has taught me a valuable lesson about family. I firmly believe that each family has its own demons. And sometimes, we must stand up for our families in hard times and stand up to them when they make mistakes.
Repressed Feelings 